


I'm never what I like (Double-sided)

by PuppyDun



Category: Bandom, Fall Out Boy, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, Fluff, Highschool aged, Hospitalization, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Multi, So they have hormones and shit, Trans Male Character, but also angst, trans!tyler
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-03
Updated: 2015-08-30
Packaged: 2018-04-12 17:29:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4488333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PuppyDun/pseuds/PuppyDun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler expects a lot of things when he’s admitted to a hospital for suicidal ideation. What he doesn’t expect is to find a friend in a boy with pretty eyes and colored hair. </p>
<p>What he especially doesn’t expect is for that friend to become something a whole lot more. </p>
<p>~Hospital AU~</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is our first fic so it might be awkward we're sorry.

Tyler is reluctant to tell his parents pretty much anything. He of course told them he was trans when he was 13 and later that he was concerned with his sexuality but he rarely tells them anything of how he feels about himself as a person.

In short Tyler hates himself. He hates how he can’t play guitar because it hurts his hands too much. He hates how he looks and how he acts and his voice.

He tells his mother once that he wishes he wasn’t alive, and he gets sent to a hospital. He sits in a waiting room for six hours with his mother in tears, awkwardly trying to comfort her, knowing it was too late for his words to mean anything. Then the doctor finally calls his name. His birth name.

“Winona Joseph.” Tyler flinches. He had legally changed his name recently - there’s no reason for that to be the name on the doctor’s sheet.

“A-actually, it’s Tyler,” says Tyler, standing up. He’s then escorted into a wing where they take his vitals.

“Are you feeling okay?” the older of the two nurses asks, looking Tyler in the eyes.

Something crumbles in his chest and his eyes well up with tears. “No.”

And he’s not. He doesn’t want to be here right now, or ever, not at all.

“What’s wrong?” asks the younger nurse, her green eyes widening with concern.

“I-I don’t want to be here!” He’s crying now. He feels embarrassed for doing so in public. Normally he would do it behind a locked door but now he can feel his emotions stream out of him like the tears running down his face.

The nurses give him multiple tissues and then Tyler is ushered into a dark room, told the name of his roommate, and left to get settled.

As he pauses to get his bearings, and maybe – hopefully – find a light switch, he hears soft breathing coming from one of the beds. Oh. Oh. His roommate – right. His roommate is here, and asleep also.

Tyler can make out the fuzzy outline of hair against his roommate’s pillow, and can just barely see the comforter shift as he breathes.

No light switch then – he doesn’t want to make a bad first impression by waking Josh up in the middle of the night just so he can unpack. So he moves slowly across the dark room to the dark shape in the corner that he assumes must be the other bed.

And that’s when things start to go wrong. Tyler feels something tangle up his feet at the exact moment that his bag swings awkwardly across his chest, throwing him off balance – and straight towards Josh’s bed.

“Shit,” he hisses, just barely avoiding cracking his head on the bedframe and hitting the ground with a horrifying thud all the same.

He hears Josh shifting around in the bed just above him, and the bedsprings creak as his roommate sits up. _Shitshitshit. Maybe if I just stay down here and don’t move he won’t notice and go back to sleep._

And this plan is all well and good until a shadow falls over him and asks, “Who the hell are you?”

Tyler scrambles backwards, managing to bang his head against his own bed before standing up and quickly brushing himself off, trying discreetly to rub his injured head.

“I’m-“ his voice cracks- “I’m Tyler Joseph? Your roommate?”

“Oh,” says Josh, blinking. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Tyler parrots back.

He can’t help noticing how pretty Josh’s eyes are, even in almost complete darkness.

“What are you here for?” Josh asks.

“Uh, suicidal ideation,” Tyler replies.

“Oh…” Josh says, awkwardly rubbing the back of his head  
There is a long pause before Tyler picks back up the muffled conversation.

“Wh-” He freezes “What are you here for?”

“I overdosed on my anxiety medication.”

Tyler’s eyes widen.

“I mean it was accidental but my parents both think that I’m suicidal.”

“Oh, right. Yeah. Practically everyone knows I’m suicidal.” Tyler says feeling as though he’s bragging about who’s the most depressed.

“That must suck.” Josh frowns leaning against his pillow

“Well,” Tyler gestures to the room around him “I’m here now.”

“Y-yep...Here you are.” Josh half smiles “Your bed’s over there by the way.”

“Oh, yeah. I should...I should probably…”

“We can talk more tomorrow?”

“Sure...Thats- That’s great.”

Josh repositions himself on his bed as Tyler makes his way over to his own, moving slightly more carefully this time but still not managing to avoid banging his shin on the leg of Josh’s bed along the way.

He changes into pajamas as quickly as he can, fumbling with tags to make sure he’s not putting anything on backwards, and then climbs into his bed. He’s glad he was wearing a sports bra instead of his usual binder. It was hard to get off and he would have been wearing it too long anyways.

He’s glad Josh is facing the other way or he would’ve seen him change and Tyler wants to be as stealth as possible so that he won’t have to face the same shit as he did in school.

“My name’s Josh, if you didn’t already know.”

“I knew...Aw shit that sounded creepy.” Tyler cringes before he can make out Josh’s laugh

“It’s fine, man.” He swears he can hear Josh smile.


	2. Chapter 2

Tyler used to think a lot about who he wanted to be when he grew up. At first it was the typical “I want to be a princess and a pirate.” But soon drifted into “I like basketball...But I’m only 5’1 and my dad even said nobody really cares about the WNBA.” Once he turned 12 though he had become so confused on whom he was even going to be that his thoughts had turned more to how he was going to die.

Once he realized who he was during his second year of middle school, things started to look up for him. No longer did he have to pretend to be “Winona.” Now he could just be “Tyler,” a name that he had secretly wanted since he was about 8 years old. His username had also been Tyler445 on club penguin so he found it to be appropriate.

Mornings were always easier than nights for Tyler, but it hadn’t occurred to him that breakfast started at 7 in the morning. There was a knock on the bedroom door, There stood a man, probably in his 50s, with white hair and a beard.

“Are you coming to breakfast?’ He asked, hand against the door frame. Tyler turns to face Josh’s bed to see no Josh in sight.

“I guess.” Tyler mutters getting up from his bed, his legs were somewhat tangled in the sheets so getting up was more awkward then he originally intended.

The man escorts Tyler to the “group room” where there are other people who look just as disheveled and tired as Tyler feels. They are all around his age, some older some younger. All of them attractive to a degree that makes Tyler self conscious. Josh is at the far side of the room and Tyler is surprised to see that his hair is a bright blue. He’s talking to a handsome boy with dark hair and a large forehead. He and Josh are laughing about something and Tyler can’t help but notice that Josh has the cutest laugh.

“Tyler!” Josh smiles acknowledging Tyler’s presence. “Come over here.” Tyler peers around the room before walking over to Josh and the boy.

“This is Brendon.” Josh gestures to the boy with the large forehead.

“Yes. Yes it is. Hi,” Tyler says. “I’m Tyler.” Nice.

“Um… Yes. Yes, you are?” says Brendon. “Hi.”

“Now, I know what you’re thinking,” says a girl with blue hair, sliding over to them. “‘That guy has a huge forehead.’ But don’t let it fool you - it’s mostly empty space on the inside.”

“Ouch,” whines Brendon, clutching his chest woundedly. “Don’t be mean, Halsey.”

“I’m Ashley,” says the girl, turning to Tyler, “but everyone calls me Halsey.”

“Oh,” says Tyler. “Nice to meet you.”

Just then, the bearded man from before comes back into the room. “It’s time for breakfast,” he announces.

“It’s about damn time! I was so fucking hungry. But now I won’t be!” says Brendon. Tyler blinks at him for a moment before turning to join Josh and Halsey, who are headed - hopefully - towards food.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Ok, there’s going to be a 30 minute break before morning group so spend your time wisely and quietly some people are still asleep.” Calls the white haired man as soon as everyone has evacuated the cafeteria. Tyler now knows his name is Jason.

Josh stands up from the table and turns to look at Tyler. “I’m gonna head back up to the group room. Do you wanna come with?”

_I should probably get changed into my binder - I hope he hasn’t noticed the fact that I have boobs yet_ , Tyler thinks suddenly.

“Uh - sure,” he says, standing up as well. “Just let me get changed first.”

“Sure,” says Josh.

Tyler starts off towards their room, and mentally curses when he realizes that Josh is coming with him. Dear god, no.

Once Tyler enters the room he scrambles to collect his clothing as quickly as possible without Josh realizing that he has a binder underneath his pile of clothes from yesterday.

He can feel Josh’s curious gaze on his back as he darts into the bathroom. Shutting the door, he puts on his binder and gets dressed as quickly as possible before stepping back into the bedroom - he tries to seem calm, but he’s not certain he quite pulls it off.

“Why were you in such a rush? We’re not in any kind of hurry,” says Josh, tilting his head to one side questioningly.

Tyler nervously fiddles with the ties of his hoodie. “I...I…” He can feel his heart race “Really like to do things quickly?”

“Uh… Sure, okay,” says Josh, nodding. “Do you wanna head back out now?”

“Yes, yes I do.” Tyler says faking a smile and following Josh back to the false sense of security he had felt earlier in the group room.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Good morning everyone. Today we’re going to start off group the way we always do,” says a young man named Rick. “Please say your name, your age, and the reason you’re here.”

He gestures to the boy on his left.

“Hi,” says the boy, who has black hair and large hazel eyes “My name’s Gerard, I’m 18 and I’m here because I got involved with some fucked up people.”

“You can’t blame others for things that were your fault.” huffs another black haired boy

“Say that to my fucking face, Wentz!”

“Ok, we’re getting off topic, next person please.” Intrudes Rick, now nodding at a blonde haired girl.

They continue the same way. Tyler learns a lot about everyone in the room, especially a short girl with dyed orange hair named Hayley who almost bursts into tears when talking about her abusive ex-boyfriend who was now in jail for frankly obvious reasons.

The time has come for Josh to speak “Uh, hi.” Josh says waving shyly and then running his hand through his fluffy, aqua hair. “I’m Josh, I’m...17 and uh, I overdosed on Sertraline.”

“Why is that?” asks Rick leaning against the whiteboard.

“I thought I needed to. I was having a panic attack and I thought it was the only way to stop it.”

“I hope you know better now.”

“I’m learning.” mutters Josh now peering over at Tyler nudging him slightly on the shoulder.

“Oh, uh...Hello...I’m Tyler, 16, and I’m here for suicidal ideation.”

“That’s nothing.” Tyler can hear somebody whisper but he can’t point out who. He feels his ears and face burn up. He didn’t belong here. His mother had been wrong to send him here. He didn’t belong anywhere.


	3. Chapter 3

The group is a short somewhat uninteresting one about coping with anxiety. Throughout the entire thing Rick gives Josh side-eyes as Josh is reluctant to participate. By the end of it all Tyler feels he’s learnt nothing. He already knew he had anxiety, how was discussing it with other people his age supposed to relieve him of it. If anything thing, it stressed him out even more.

He felt as though everyone here was so much cooler than he was. The only person who was more awkward then he was, was this tiny boy named Patrick and he was awkward in an endearing way so it made him cooler as well. He could also play guitar, his parents had let him bring it in and he could do barre chords with ease. Dammit.

Tyler had been teaching himself piano for about 4 months and he wasn’t awful but he was far from being able to play in front of anyone without fumbling somewhat. He was gifted with the clumsiest fingers in the world, in fact he was pretty clumsy in general. This is a proven fact, because once Patrick is done playing Feel good inc. Tyler slips over and falls face first onto the hospital’s linoleum floor.

“Woah, you ok?” asks Jenna, long blonde hair falling over her shoulder as she crouches down next to him.

“Yeah, yes. I’m fine.” Tyler responds, feeling his face burn.

“You took quite a spill there, pal.” Smiles Josh leaning over

“I hate that word.” groans Tyler, now back on his feet.

“Spill?” Asks Jenna frowning slightly

“No,” Tyler brushes off his hoodie from the stray lint from the floor “pal.”

“Oh.” Josh says quietly

Before Tyler can tell Josh it’s alright, everyone is ushered into their room for quiet time.

There’s a basket of books for the two of them to choose from to read. Josh and Tyler shuffle through books without really looking at titles until each of them comes up with something that looks at least vaguely interesting. 

Josh has chosen Anne of Green Gables. Tyler clutches a copy of A Wrinkle in Time. 

“What the hell is that?” asks Josh, staring at the image of three old ladies’ faces dramatically overlapped with each other on the cover of Tyler’s book. 

“A Wrinkle in Time, you uncultured swine,” sniffs Tyler, faking offence. 

“A Wrinkle in Time? How could you choose A Wrinkle in Time when Anne of Green Gables was right there?” asks Josh, gesturing with his book, which - now that Tyler can see it better - is in fact Anne of Green Gables. 

“How dare you?” cries Tyler. “A Wrinkle in Time is culture!” 

“And Anne of Green Gables is an American classic!” exclaims Josh. 

Tyler glares at Josh. Josh glares back at Tyler. After roughly 2 minutes and 57 seconds of this, they both collapse, laughing hysterically. 

“Okay, but seriously,” says Josh, sobering up quickly. “Go sit over on your bed. I don’t want any of that European trash literature near me.” 

“Please, like I would be caught within three feet of that American filth,” says Tyler disdainfully. 

They both laugh again, and Tyler moves to sit on his bed. After a few moments of watching Josh pretend to read his American literature, Tyler speaks again. 

“I don’t really know anything about you, you know,” he says. 

“That’s true. We did just meet yesterday,” Josh replies. 

“True. But I’m bothered by that. I don’t know why your hair is blue, or if you have any dogs or siblings. Or what your favorite food is.” 

“My hair is blue because I dye it, I don’t have any pets but I like cats, and I have a brother and two sisters,” says Josh. “Oh, and I like Taco Bell.” 

“Nice,” says Tyler. “That’s my favorite too.”

“What about you then? Why do you hate the word pal?”

“It just makes me cringe internally, like the way moist does for some people.”

Josh shudders. “Please never say that word again, ever.” 

Tyler chuckles softly, Josh looks over at him with his crooked smirk. “I don’t know anything about you Ty-guy.” He says

Tyler flinches slightly before responding “Ok...Uh, I’m 16 I-”

“No, not like at group...Like, like you normally would.”

“Ok, I like Mario kart? I have 2 brothers and 1 sister, I play piano a little.”

“Awesome, I play the drums.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I’ve been playing since I was about 11.”

“Oh.” Tyler can feel a wave of inferiority wash over him “I’ve only been playing for a few months.”

“That’s still cool though. Which character do you choose for Mario kart?”

“Wa-Waluigi normally...I mean ironically of course bu-”

“Woah! I always choose Wario!” Tyler can see the excitement in Josh’s kitten eyes “It-it’s normally ironic too, but that’s so weird.”

“Yeah,” Tyler laughs lightly “Pretty darn strange.”

There’s an awkward pause between the two of them, Tyler’s eyes dart back to the surreal cover of A wrinkle in time. He traces around the old ladies’ faces with his index finger, feeling his finger glide over the smooth surface. Why had things gone so awkward again? Why couldn’t a conversation just be a conversation and not go awry?

“Hey, Ty?”

“Yeah?”

“I like you a lot, so I’m gonna be honest,” Tyler felt his stomach lurch. “This place is wild...So we need to stick together.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“We should...Y’know...Fake date?”

“What?”

“Fake date, like pretend to be a thing until we both get out of this place. I did it with Debby about a week before you came but then I pretended to come out as gay, even though I’m bi so it just made things complicated and now I need to fake date a dude.”

“Why would you pretend to come out as gay?”

“I wasn’t thinking straight.”

“Oh...Oh.” Tyler laughed a little at Josh’s accidental wordplay. 

“Soooo,” Josh says “Will you fake go out with me?”

“Uh, sure?”

“Cool!” smiles josh getting up from the bed to hug Tyler who was now a little concerned that he would be able to feel his binder but hugged him back nonetheless.


End file.
